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DIY Dodging Mantra - Why DIY Is Bad!

The Theory Behind Rejecting DIY And It's Associated Dangers...

"Trust me my brothers, DIY is the Devils game. Put upon our backs like a curse of boils, preventing us from spending time doing things we want to do, and instead hammering, glueing, assembling, sanding, sawing and cursing. I say NO! Back, back unto the very depths of B&Q from whence you came, let us work together to cast this foul pass-time into the abyss and free man forever to pursue love and happiness as the good lord intended!" - The Reverand H.Ammer at a recent secret meeting of the DIY Dodger Society.

Religious undertones aside, DIY in itself is a bad idea. The clue is in the name. "Do it Yourself". Well excuse me, but isn't one of the goals of society that there are roles and skills for everyone, and we shouldn't be selfish enough to demand everything for ourselves? Am I not taking away the rightfull jobs from skilled craftsmen who's traditions will be lost if everyone "Did it themselves" instead of letting the professionals in?

"Ah!" You say, "But what of the cost? DIY is much cheaper than having someone else do the job!"

Nay, i reply, you are mistaken, it seems that way, but that is only true because of the invasion of "fashion" and "trends" into the way we view our homes, and the extreme lack of skilled tradesmen, which leads to exorbitant prices.

Lets take our first argument, about the way that Fashion and Trends now contaminate our views of how our houses look on the inside and the outside. What do I mean? All you have to do is watch any of the home improvement or House Selling programmes on TV and the presenters will carp on about the "Regency Look", that this interior "is dated" and need "freshening up". NO IT DOESN'T!!! Our ancestors, unless aristocracy, were very happy to live in simple houses, with solid, quality fittings and furniture that lasted generations. It didn't go out of style, it just wore out!!!!

I'll give you an example. My better half recently dragged me kicking and screaming to a local builders merchant to look for ideas for kitchens. She was very taken by these units andwork-tops that looked second hand, you know the ones, where the paint is half rubbed off and looks like it's seen better days.

"They're nice" She said.

"They look worn out to me," I replied, "are they returns that people didn't want?"

After a clip round the ear we moved on, but it shows you the idea. People will pay for stuff that already looks like it's been around a bit. Why not just buy new stuff that looks new and let it wear in itself?

The next problem is the lack of skilled tradespeople, and this is because of the collapse of the apprentice schemes, our draconian tax system, and our high cost of living. It's too expensive to get a carpenter in to do some work for you because there aren't enough of them, and those that are left can charge what they want!

My final argument against DIY involves Chaos Theory and the inherent nature of our Universe. To put it simply - if it ain't broke, don't fix it - which I would add - if you do try to fix it, something else will break while you're doing it -. Matter itself likes to be in a state of chaos and will do its best to return to that state. Mountains turn to rocks, rocks to sand, living things die, rot, and return to the Earth. Flat packed furniture longs to transform back into the wooden chippings it came from, and will do its best to do so while you're assembling it. Shelves like to fall off walls. Taps love to leak. Wall-paper likes to peel. It is in their inherent nature, and to fight against it is to fight against the order of the Universe itself!

Chaos theory tells us that one small action somewhere could lead to an event elsewhere of enormous importance. A butterfly flaps its wings in Asia, and a Hurricane smashes into Florida two weeks later. This too relates to DIY. You start to drill a small hole for a picture hook. The plaster cracks, falls off the wall meaning you've got to replace it all. You pull some more plaster off and notice that the brickwork is crumbling so the whole wall has to come down. Trust me, it happens. Just yesterday I was told to stop the bathroom tap leaking. I turned off the water, undid the joint only to find the rubber seals perished, No problem, new washer. As I was putting it back together the lock ring on the bottom of the tap snapped. One new pair of taps later I thought I was done. Oh no. The flexi-pipe now had a split in it from all the twisting I had been doing with it. So you seen what I mean, one little butterfly.... DIY IS BAD!

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